Growing Up Distant From Your Parents? You’ve Known This Despair

When Disappointment-Based Emotional Isolation Shows Up

Recently, I came across a post on Instagram. A mother was asking for help: “My daughter has a stomachache, but why won’t she tell us? Does she have some kind of psychological problem?”

The replies in the comments were heartbreaking to read:

“When my mom has a ‘problem,’ every time we catch a slight cold or have a stuffy nose, she has to find someone or something to blame—like you didn’t dress warmly enough, or your blanket is too thin… Even when my little brother was constipated, my mom blamed it on him eating too many snacks. So sometimes when I get sick, I don’t dare tell her, for fear of being scolded…”

“My period cramps were severe, and my mom would say, ‘It’s because you ate something cold…’ Gradually, I started to feel like the cramps were my own fault, and I didn’t dare tell her anymore.”

“I had a period of working a lot of overtime and developed some eye problems. My dad said: ‘It’s all from you staring at your phone all day.'”

So it turns out so many people have had similar experiences—when something happens, and we try to talk to our family, they’re in the habit of finding someone or something to blame first, instead of trying to solve the problem. This leads us to not want to tell our family anything when we run into problems.

Why is that? Is it that our families don’t love us enough? Maybe not. Take the mother who asked the question at the beginning—it’s precisely because she wanted to care for her daughter that she asked. But for certain reasons, the daughter chose not to speak.

So why is it that sometimes we’d rather face pain alone than talk to someone close to us? Today, Kelly and all of you will discuss: “Disappointment-Based Emotional Isolation” in relationships.

Why Are You Unwilling to Confide in Those Close to You?

There’s a question on Instagram: “What is it like when your parents don’t understand you?” One person’s story was especially heartbreaking:

“My parents don’t know I have depression. Usually I wait until the lights are off at night and secretly cry under the covers. But last night I couldn’t hold it in and accidentally cried out loud. My mom just said one thing: ‘Are you sick?!’ Even though you’re shaking all over from how miserable you feel, she just thinks you’re putting on an act.

Just imagine—if the people around you treat you like this long-term, would you still have any desire to share or open up? Most people wouldn’t. Because you know that apart from inviting blame and denial, making yourself even more hurt, you won’t get any positive feedback you were hoping for.

In psychology, there’s a term called “disappointment-based emotional isolation.”​ Its main manifestation is that a person feels no real closeness to someone who should be very close. For example, with parents, a partner, siblings, etc.—there’s a sense of psychological distance, little desire to share, rarely keeping in touch, and not telling them when you encounter difficulties or feel wronged.

Their subconscious has already formed a belief: the other person is incapable of understanding me, can’t be relied upon, and I can only depend on myself. “Anyway, talking about it won’t help; I’d better carry it alone.” Its essence is: being too disappointed in the other person, no longer treating them as an emotional support.

The emergence of “disappointment-based emotional isolation” in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight—it’s caused by long-term neglect, denial, and disregard of one’s emotions. And once it takes shape, at best the relationship becomes fake and fragile, and the two grow further and further apart; at worst, the relationship breaks completely, leading to tragedy.

I’m reminded of Fang Sini in Fang Sini’s First Love Paradise. After she was tragically sexually assaulted by her teacher, she hinted for help from her mother twice, saying: “I heard a classmate at school got involved with a teacher.” Her mother replied: “How could that classmate be so shameless?” Fang Sini had mustered up the courage to ask her parents for help. But unfortunately, her mother’s response blocked her path to seeking help, and shame sewed her mouth shut from then on.

Sometimes, what pains us the most is not the event itself. It’s that the person who should love you the most, value you the most, and protect you the most completely fails to understand or support you—and even tramples on your already wounded heart, causing secondary harm.

The psychologist Carl Jung said: “Loneliness does not come from having no one around you. The real reason one feels lonely is that a person cannot communicate their most vital feelings to others.”

Once trapped in “disappointment-based emotional isolation,” a person is extremely prone to losing their sense of security, always feeling like they are “a child with no one to hold the umbrella.” In childhood, they easily grow up with self-doubt and inferiority. After growing up, they easily encounter obstacles in intimate relationships due to distrust of those around them, becoming an insecure attachment type—always feeling they’re not good enough, not worthy of being loved. Thus, they both crave love and fear abandonment, always feeling anxious and insecure, wanting to depend on someone yet afraid of being hurt again, habitually using “pseudo-independence” as self-defense.

Emotional Value: A Scarce Ability in Modern People

I remember going on an outing with a friend’s family last week. Her family was in charge of bringing the cooking gear and tent. But upon arriving at the destination, my friend realized she had forgotten the tent hooks, and the grill was broken too. For a moment, she felt guilty and frustrated: “It’s all my fault—why didn’t I notice before we left?!”

Her husband quickly comforted her: “You can’t blame yourself. I got home from work late, and we were in a rush. Don’t panic—we’re here to have fun, no time pressure.” He went to the car to find tools and used rope to secure the tent, then drove a few kilometers to rent a grill. After calmly fussing about it for a while, my friend completely relaxed and started cheerfully preparing the barbecue.

At that moment, I roughly understood what she often meant when she talked about the “emotional value” her husband provides.

What is emotional value? We can understand it as: seeing and understanding the other person’s emotions in a relationship, helping them express and relieve those emotions, and reducing their emotional barriers.

Professor Jeffrey J. Bailey of the University of Idaho in the US once pointed out: “Emotional value determines not only how well-liked a person is, but even the success or failure of a relationship. Especially in a family, whether there is positive emotional value largely affects that family’s future.”[1]

Then why is it that some people can’t catch the other person’s “emotions,” and even “pass the buck” back to them? This isn’t as simple as just speaking harshly or lacking communication skills. It’s very likely because the listener themselves is anxious. Faced with vulnerability or negative events, their first reaction is anxiety—afraid of dealing with the situation and also afraid of facing vulnerable emotions. Therefore, their instinctive reaction is to kick that “emotion” right back to you, so they can feel a little easier.

Common examples include denying your feelings or blaming you: “We feed you and clothe you well; what do you have to be depressed about? Stop pretending!” “You just overthink too much—be more optimistic.” “What’s so sad about that? Everyone is under pressure. Are you just too fragile?”

A client once shared that in middle school, he was ostracized and bullied at school. Because of the excessive pressure, he didn’t want to go to school every day. The teacher called his mom to come to school, but she just blamed him: “Why do you always cause me so much trouble?” He remembered his mom’s impatient tone for a very long time, and for a long time he felt like he was a burden to her. After many counseling sessions, he came to understand his mom. She was a single parent working to support them both, emotionally unstable and very anxious. Even his small mistakes made her feel overwhelmed. However, this wasn’t that his mom disliked him—it was just that, due to life’s pressures, plus her personality, her capacity to cope was quite weak.

Another point that cannot be ignored is that if the listener was also treated this way growing up, they easily acquire similar emotional processing patterns. The Canadian psychologist Willy Denny once said: Children don’t really understand why they produce emotions, nor do they know how to relieve them. Children don’t understand that emotions can be understood and are temporary, and they need parents’ acceptance and guidance. If parents deny a child’s emotions or scold and blame them, over time the child will be crushed or, after growing up, will treat the people around them in similar ways.

Many people are unwilling to admit that when we hit someone’s emotions back, essentially, it’s to make the other person feel guilty, thereby diluting the fact of our own vulnerability and incompetence. And the bad consequence is: the person opening up gets hurt, feels misunderstood, even depressed, and wants to escape from the relationship. This is why we find it harder and harder to speak our minds to those close to us. Because of disappointment. They can’t provide practical help, can’t empathize or understand you, and might even hit you with denial and rejection—so you might as well stay silent. And the other person is also confused: why won’t they say a word to me, yet chat and laugh so happily with others? The relationship falls into a deadlock.

How to Break “Disappointment-Based Emotional Isolation”

I believe many people, as the mother mentioned at the beginning of the article, very much want to rebuild a trusting relationship with someone important. So how should we do it?

1. Improve Your Own Capacity to Cope

Breaking “disappointment-based emotional isolation” first points to working on yourself—rebuilding your own strength, improving your capacity to face problems. Only when we have strength ourselves can we hold space for the vulnerability and emotions of those around us.

Rebuilding strength is a long-term process. It includes improving and changing at the cognitive level, as well as breaking through your own fragile parts in real life and bravely solving problems.

There was once a client who was most afraid of arguing or communicating with people—a very soft personality. Whenever his wife confided in him about mother-in-law conflicts, he would always say, “She is my mom after all” and brush it off. Usually, when he heard them arguing and complaining, he wanted to run away—working overtime whenever possible. Later, his wife couldn’t take it anymore and asked for a divorce. He panicked all of a sudden. Through counseling, he discovered that his “peacemaking” attitude was originally meant to avoid conflict. However, because neither side’s needs and emotions got a positive response, the family relationship became increasingly tense. On his counselor’s advice, he reflected on his immaturity in handling problems, promised to reduce overtime and social engagements, take on more parenting responsibilities, and begged his wife for one more chance. Things eventually turned around. Like him, by breaking through difficult situations in life again and again, strength and courage slowly accumulate.

2. Try to Empathize, Understand the Other Person, and Provide Substantial Help

Faced with vulnerability and negative emotions, we can also try to simply listen, without criticizing, and guide appropriately. If you can provide substantial help, that’s even better.

Let me share my own experience. Not long ago, my son cursed at someone online, and someone screenshotted it and sent it to the teacher. When I saw the screenshot, I was angry at first, but quickly calmed down and started to understand what happened—

(Listening to the child’s voice)​ It turned out that several kids in the group had posted photos and videos of my son and mocked and insulted him. He lost control of his emotions and cursed back. The incident was provoked by the other side, but they only sent the teacher a screenshot of my son cursing unilaterally.

After understanding all this, we first sent both sides’ screenshots to the teacher so the teacher could understand the full situation, and told our son not to worry—

(Providing substantial help)​ Then, we guided our son, affirming the necessity of his counterattack. After he calmed down, we told him there could be a better way to handle it—

(Appropriate guidance)​ After we did all this, my son’s emotions calmed down too. Because he realized that his parents are safe and can be trusted. Parents are their child’s strongest backing. When a child has understanding and support from their parents, they can run free.

3. Build Trust Long-Term

“Trust is produced when an individual feels that someone, something, or some situation is consistent, predictable, and reliable.”[2] The collapse of trust is the result of long-term accumulation, and so is rebuilding it. If we only have a three-minute passion for rebuilding a broken trust relationship, the effect won’t be good. It requires taking love as support and, through stable, long-term effort, sincerely regaining the other person’s trust.

It’s worth noting that we don’t need to constantly demand of ourselves standards like “stable emotions” and “unconditional acceptance.” Real relationships are the most powerful. If there are parts we temporarily don’t have the strength to handle, we can also admit our own vulnerability and imperfection. If you can’t hold the other person’s emotions and lose your temper, you can be honest about your feelings afterward: “When I saw you so broken down, I also felt helpless and didn’t know how to help.” “I’m sorry, Mom just set a bad example and was controlled by her emotions.”

This lets the other person see your real, vulnerable self and understand that not everyone can catch all of another person’s emotions. This can instead lead to a deeper understanding and connection in the relationship.

And If You Are the One Experiencing “Disappointment-Based Emotional Isolation,” What Can You Do?

1. Learn to Be Disappointed in the Relationship with Your Parents, Partner, or Family

If the other person fails to catch your emotions, first give your wounded self a big hug. Then, you can try to step out of the relationship and understand this experience from a higher perspective. It’s not that you did something wrong—it’s that the person you value is, perhaps, also a wounded person. They don’t have the strength to hold you.

Learning to be disappointed in the relationship, allowing and accepting that the other person cannot completely understand and accept you, and lowering your expectations—this is the beginning of a person’s growth and improvement.

2. Whoever Feels the Pain, Changes

Many people ask: what’s the use of just me changing? The truth is, fantasizing about changing others will only lead to constant disappointment. Others are a mirror of us. When we keep learning and growing, our perspective on problems and the way we handle them will change, and the people around us will be influenced too. Even the problems that originally troubled you may disappear.

3. Communicate Your Inner Thoughts to the Other Person

Try to express the words you’ve hidden in your heart properly, the things you never had the chance to say. Remove emotional expressions, learn nonviolent communication methods, and also learn to accurately express yourself using the language of love. Beyond expressing ourselves sincerely, we also need to avoid getting too immersed in the hurt and understand each other from a broader standpoint.

Just like, only after we become parents ourselves and face our own children can we truly understand our parents back then, understand that they were just ordinary people full of love and confusion. We need to believe in our own capacity for growth and creativity. The psychologist Alfred Adler said, “Neither genetics nor psychological trauma can control you. No matter what you’ve been through, in the present you can still choose your future.”

May we become walking love—daring to trust others openly, no longer letting those around us down, and becoming a source of love and nourishment.