Dealing With A Passive-aggressive Person: How To Shut Them Down
What is Chronic Psychological Trauma?
Chronic Psychological Trauma refers to the lasting emotional, mental, and physical damage caused by prolonged, repeated exposure to distressing events where the individual often has little or no chance to escape.
Unlike Acute Trauma (like PTSD), which typically results from a single incident (e.g., an accident or a natural disaster), chronic trauma develops over months or years. It is often referred to as Complex PTSD (CPTSD) in clinical settings.
Have you noticed how some people always hide behind “jokes” to mock or put others down?
“Are you pregnant? Wow, you’ve gained so much weight—you’re practically turning into a pig.”
“Your voice is hilarious—sounds just like a squawking duck.”
“Haven’t seen you in years, and your fashion sense is still as tacky as ever.”
If you respond with, “Please stop, I’m really not comfortable with that,” they immediately turn the tables: “Geez, can’t you take a joke? Why so sensitive?”
You’re left speechless, caught in a dilemma. Push back, and you’re “humorless”; stay silent, and you’re stuck swallowing your anger.
But here’s the truth: If you feel hurt and they keep “joking,” it isn’t a joke—it’s a form of covert psychological bullying.
It traps the target in self-doubt and denial, potentially leading to chronic psychological trauma (CPTSD) over time.
Why are some people so obsessed with these sarcastic “jokes”? And how should we properly push back when targeted?
What’s The Psychology Behind People Who Love Making Mean-spirited “Jokes”?
Why do we feel so uneasy when someone makes those passive-aggressive “jokes” at our expense?
Because hidden within them is a thuggish logic: “It’s not that I’m mocking you—it’s because you’re too fat, too poor, or too stupid…”
This is essentially a form of guilt induction. By forcing you to internalize the “flaw,” they gain control over you.
I remember this from elementary school. There was a girl who loved to target me with her sarcasm. Whenever she wanted attention, she’d get everyone to laugh at my bangs and give me a cruel nickname: “Baldy Three”—implying I only had three strands of hair on my forehead.
I hated being called that, but I didn’t dare to speak up. Back then, I actually believed her: “She’s making fun of me because I really do have thin hair.”
Looking back now, her behavior was clearly soft bullying. She used nicknames, sarcasm, and “jokes” to pry open my insecurities. But at the time, I didn’t realize I was being bullied; I just blamed myself for being ugly and felt utterly miserable.
Beyond “soft bullying,” guilt induction also hides in plain sight—inside “jokes.”
Have you ever encountered this kind of aggressive “humor”?
“Your figure is amazing—without looking at your face, I can’t even tell your gender.”
“Your complexion looks great—must have been a hot date with your boyfriend last night?”
“Why aren’t you replying? Oh, is the guy next to you weighing down your hand?”
At first glance, they sound like playful banter among friends.
But look closer, and you’ll find personal attacks and psychological bullying lurking beneath.
Caught off guard or unsure how to clap back, you resort to an awkward “Haha…” just to brush it off.
It’s only late at night, replaying the moment in your head, that the sting really hits you.
Then there’s another form of boundary-crossing that also masks guilt induction:
People impose their will on your decisions, making it awkward for you to say no.
For instance, after you buy a car, a colleague teases you about being “loaded” or “mining crypto,” using “jokes” to get chummy so they can hitch a ride home later.
If you respond coldly or refuse, they flip the script: “Ugh, what’s the big deal? Having a car makes you so high and mighty?”
The subtext? “I can’t even bum a ride? How stuck-up.”
They crossed the line first, yet they act as if you hurt them.
Soft bullying, aggressive humor, boundary violations—while they appear to be three different faces of guilt induction, they all stem from the same dynamic: control and submission.
I have a friend who resigned from her job. During her farewell dinner, her boss found out she was dating someone and quipped:
“Good for you—spend more time with your boyfriend.”
“Didn’t think you had such high standards… guess someone finally ‘caught’ you.”
Colleagues chimed in, joking about wedding banquets. She felt sick but didn’t know how to explain herself without sounding defensive.
The next day, a coworker told her the boss had ranted in their group chat that night: “Everyone needs to prioritize work over personal life.”
Only then did she realize: the boss wasn’t joking. It was a “killing the chicken to scare the monkeys” tactic—using her private life as a public warning to others not to let romance interfere with work.
By now, you’ve probably realized the truth:
All psychologically abusive “jokes” hiding guilt induction are, at their core, about control.
To those with a high need for control, dominating others is the only way to feel significant and superior.
But for us, it is nothing but stress, trauma, and exploitation.
Why Don’t We Dare To Push Back Against Malicious “Jokes”?
We know all the theories, yet why do we still freeze when faced with those “psychologically abusive jokes”?
A major reason is the fear of being branded as “humorless” or “too sensitive.”
Especially in public, we hesitate to be the one who “ruins the mood” or shatters the facade of harmony.
We fall into self-blame, worrying that we are the ones at fault for not being “perfect” or for “overreacting.”
So, we default to another defense mechanism: Avoidance.
When confronted with toxic people or situations, we instinctively engage in what psychologists call “avoidant coping.”
It helps us dodge the humiliation of the topic and ease the awkwardness. It prevents conflicts from escalating, saving us from becoming the villain in everyone else’s eyes. It also shields us from the internal drain of anxiety and emotional exhaustion.
Psychologists like Mark Dombeck suggest that avoidance is rooted in a deep-seated fear of potential danger.
It reminds me of Zhang Chulan, the protagonist in the series I Am Nobody(Yi Ren Zhi Xia). He wears a rubber band on his wrist. Whenever he feels rage bubbling up, he snaps it against his skin to force himself to stay calm.
Every time someone throws a vile, humiliating “joke” his way, he snaps that rubber band—suppressing his anger and avoiding conflict.
Why? Because his grandfather drilled this into him since childhood:
“You must endure. The moment you lose your temper and reveal your strength, you invite disaster.”
Thus, “enduring” became his shield against all perceived threats.
But here’s the irony: The more you avoid the danger, the more relentlessly it hunts you down.
It’s as if we fear that refusing to play along will spark conflict or draw accusations, so we choose to endure and avoid.
Yet, this doesn’t make them stop—it only emboldens them to escalate.
For those on the receiving end, the inability to manage this constant dread can evolve into chronic psychological trauma (CPTSD).
We become trapped in rumination, replaying those humiliating “jokes” on a loop. We lose sleep, lose our appetite, and live under crushing stress, all while struggling to pinpoint what exactly is wrong with us.
This complex trauma response typically stems from prolonged emotional neglect or sustained psychological bullying.
Avoidance does offer temporary relief, but if we fail to confront and resolve the issue, it leads to far graver consequences.
To let a single malicious “joke” shatter your confidence and drag you into depression and pain—isn’t that a terrible price to pay?
How To Properly Push Back Against Malicious “Jokes”?
Since we’ve established that avoiding malicious “jokes” is both unhealthy and ineffective, what can we do instead to push back properly?
Today, I’d like to share three practical techniques to help you reclaim your sense of self—and earn the respect you deserve.
1. Reconnect with Your Authentic Feelings
Psychologist Alex M. Wood and colleagues outline three core components of “authenticity”:
- Low self-alienation: Having a clear awareness of your own thoughts and feelings.
- High congruence: Ensuring your behaviors accurately reflect your inner emotions (i.e., walking the talk).
- Resistance to external influence: Refusing to change your behavior just to please others.
In practice, when someone crosses the line with a “joke,” you can express your authentic self in three steps:
- Acknowledge the feeling: If you feel offended, own that feeling—regardless of whether the other person meant it or not.
- State your boundary: Clearly tell them, “It’s not that I can’t take a joke; I’m genuinely hurt. Please don’t say that again.”Ensure your words match your emotions.
- Hold your ground: No matter how they label you, stand by your truth. If it felt like an insult, it was an insult. Don’t twist yourself into knots just to accommodate someone else’s narrative.
When your stance is authentic and firm, the offense loses its power to wound you deeply.
2. Use Their Own Tactics Against Them
Now, this doesn’t mean resorting to violence or petty revenge. Rather, it’s about learning to channel your healthy aggression when provoked—to protect your boundaries without losing your integrity.
Strategy A: Strategic Non-Engagement (The “Gray Rock” Method)
When someone mocks your appearance—say, cracking a “joke” about your weight or calling you a “barrel”—don’t take the bait.
By refusing to react, you deny them the emotional reaction they crave. If you respond, you step into their trap; you reinforce their behavior, encouraging them to escalate.
But if you don’t respond, don’t justify, and don’t engage, their attack lands on empty air. They are left standing there, awkward and exposed, with no leg to stand on. Sometimes, a long, cold stare is far more powerful than any words.
Strategy B: Channeling Healthy Aggression
Dare to strike back. You’ll find that protecting yourself not only shields you from harm but also sets a powerful precedent for others.
Try these direct responses to call out their intent:
- Expose the intent: “What exactly is the point you’re trying to make? I’m curious.”
- Define the terms: “A joke is only funny if the target laughs. Otherwise, it’s just harassment.”
- Challenge the premise: “Do you honestly think mocking someone’s body is funny? It’s incredibly rude.”
- Flip the script: “Is putting others down how you usually get attention? No wonder people talk about you the way they do…”
By daring to push back, you aren’t just defending yourself—you are modeling courage and setting a standard for how you expect to be treated.
3. Establish Healthy Personal Boundaries
Personal boundaries exist to protect us—they allow us to prioritize our own needs and feelings over the demands or opinions of others.
They empower us to say “no” without guilt, and to refuse to swallow insults just to please someone else.
A healthy boundary is built on four key pillars:
1. Clarity & Specificity
Your boundaries must be crystal clear. If weight is your trigger, then any comment involving “fatness” is a hard line in the sand. No blurring the edges.
Example: “I do not tolerate comments about my body. Period.”
2. Self-Protection
Put your physical and mental well-being first. No one—absolutely no one—deserves a higher priority than you. Your safety is non-negotiable.
Example: “My peace of mind comes before your entertainment.”
3. Flexibility in Delivery
While your stance is firm, your delivery can be fluid. You don’t always have to burn the bridge; sometimes a quiet, cold dismissal is more effective than a dramatic scene.
Example: “I’m not discussing this further. Let’s move on.”
4. Proactive Ownership
These rules aren’t handed to you by society or imposed by others; they are standards you define for yourself through self-discovery. You are the architect of your own limits.
Example: “This is a standard I’ve set for myself, and I intend to uphold it.”
In short: Dare to face malice head-on. Your kindness must have teeth.
