How to Approach “Enlightenment” the Right Way

Have you noticed the buzzword going around—”enlightenment”?​ It describes the moment when someone suddenly sees the light at a certain stage of life, starts to see through things, and wakes up to how the world really works.

When the idea first appeared, it was mostly used to describe personal growth and transformation. There was nothing malicious about it. But like most internet memes, the meaning of “enlightenment” has gradually been distorted. People began, almost without noticing, to examine their past through the lens of who they are now—as if the self that existed before “enlightenment” were something to be hidden, despised, and cut away. Some even use “not enlightened yet” to judge other people’s behavior, with a tone that carries mockery and a sense of superiority.

So what harm does this distorted version of “enlightenment” do to us? And why do we feel such a compulsive need to sever ties with our past selves? Today, Kelly wants to talk with you about how to face “enlightenment” in the right way—and help yourself truly grow.

Beware the Distorted “Enlightenment”

“Enlightenment” should be a kind of accepting growth—moving forward while carrying your past with you. It means a person has become more whole through understanding and has achieved an upgrade in awareness.

But when it shifts from “Now I get it” to “I was so stupid back then,” it turns into a hidden form of self-violence.

1. Splitting a whole life into two opposing phases

The core feature of distorted “enlightenment” is a binary, either-or way of thinking that cuts life in two.

“Before enlightenment” is seen as naive, bewildered, innocent—qualities that were once pure, but are now simply dismissed as detours and mistakes, ignorance and clumsiness.

“After enlightenment” is crowned with halos: clear-headed, restrained, independent, emotionally stable—as if stepping into this phase means life will have fewer twists and turns, and you’ll never get hurt so easily again.

Under this way of thinking, we easily lose sight of the continuity and complexity of life. This gives rise to a psychological state called self-alienation: a sense of separation from your own thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and even your body, in which you can no longer experience yourself as a unified, coherent subject—and instead observe yourself from the outside.

Put simply: you lose touch with the real you.

As a result, it becomes harder and harder to feel and express genuine emotions. You lack inner motivation and a sense of purpose, and everything starts to feel meaningless.

2. Putting your past self on trial using hindsight

In psychology, there’s a concept called hindsight bias—the “I knew it all along” effect. It refers to our tendency, once we know how something turned out, to unconsciously exaggerate how well we could have predicted it.

Inside the distorted “enlightenment” narrative, this becomes self-interrogation like:

• I should have seen that something was off about them. Why did I still trust them? I’m so stupid.
• I knew that company was unreliable. Why did I still go there? I’m such a fool…

These may look like self-reflection after “enlightenment,” but they’re actually a cognitive bias: you’re using the brain that already knows the ending to condemn the self who was standing in the fog, with no other choice available.

And doing this brings no benefit to your life whatsoever—it only sinks you into endless self-blame and shame.

3. Turning self-acceptance into a transaction

Within the distorted “enlightenment” frame, there’s an implicit message: only the self who is clear-headed, sees through everything, and never makes mistakes again deserves attention, acceptance, and love. The self who was once clumsy, easily hurt, and not yet smart enough is worthless and doesn’t even deserve a mention.

In psychology, this is known as conditional positive regard. It means the recognition and acceptance we receive are conditional—we only deserve them once we “measure up.”

So we start building our sense of worth on whether we meet standards set by others or by ourselves. Self-acceptance becomes a transaction that has to be paid for with results. And the moment we fall short of expectations, we tumble into self-doubt, anxiety, and inferiority.

4. Reducing everyone’s different pace of growth to a matter of “cognitive level”

Distorted “enlightenment” isn’t only aimed at ourselves—it’s often aimed at the people around us too.

• See someone crying over love, and you think: How childish can they be?
• See someone proactive at work, and you think: They’re so naive—they clearly don’t understand how the workplace really works.
• See someone standing up for what’s right, and you think: They just haven’t been beaten down by society yet; that’s why they’re still so blunt.

But here’s the thing: everyone grows at their own pace, and everyone sees people and things differently. That’s completely normal—it’s not a matter of good or bad, right or wrong.

Insisting on judging yourself and others by one uniform standard—and congratulating yourself on being different—pulls you into a cognitive bias called the false uniqueness effect: inflating your own uniqueness while dismissing everyone else’s differences.

Over time, this breeds distance between people. You become more closed off, less willing to make room for different voices and different possibilities.

Why Are We So Eager to Reject the Self We Were Before “Enlightenment”?

Some people might say that rejecting the past is how you move forward—that only by drawing a clear line against the self who wasn’t good enough can you become more mature and stronger.

But in reality, this belief is just a conditioned reflex we’ve developed to soothe our inner unease.

1. Internalized “mistake notebook” thinking

Remember being told to keep a mistake notebook in school? You’d copy down every question you got wrong, then take it out to redo and review them, constantly scrutinizing your past errors so you wouldn’t make them again.

That training has its uses in school. The problem is that many of us carried this “mistake notebook” mindset into life, and unconsciously formed a rigid belief: making a mistake = shame, a defect that must be corrected, or a stain that must be completely erased.

Even when we know this self-trial is unfair and wrong, we still can’t help turning back again and again to interrogate our past selves.

Cognitive dissonance theory​ tells us: when past experiences conflict with our current self-image, we feel intense discomfort. To relieve that discomfort, we unconsciously adjust our thinking so it lines up with who we are now.

And the popularity of “enlightenment” happened to hand us a cutting tool. “I wasn’t enlightened back then” draws a clean boundary; it lets us dump all past embarrassment and failure onto that one explanation, as if doing so could quickly dissolve the conflict.

At its core, this is an inability to accept an imperfect self.

2. Social media’s simplified narrative of “growth”

Social comparison theory​ in psychology describes the process by which we evaluate our own opinions, abilities, achievements, and social status by comparing ourselves with one or more other people. When objective standards are missing, we tend to use others as a reference point for self-evaluation.

The rapid growth of the internet has compressed “growth” into a single, referential template: live with clarity and lucidity, quit having emotions, see through the ways of the world…

The moment we notice our own pace doesn’t match the mainstream, we get anxious. We rush to fit ourselves into the box, eager to define our lives using whatever concept is trending—without even stopping to ask whether this standardized template is reasonable, or whether it actually suits us.

3. Society’s systematic stigmatization of vulnerability

Sensitive. Fragile. Easily hurt. Sentimental. In the public mind, these are all heavily negative—labels that have been stigmatized continuously.

So we instinctively deny the parts of ourselves that were once fragile, and try to make a clean break with our past selves, in order to prove how strong we are now.

But vulnerability was never a flaw. It’s the starting point for real human connection. People who dare to admit their own vulnerability actually have greater psychological resilience.

And when we use the blade of “enlightenment” to cut vulnerability out of ourselves, we’re also quietly cutting away part of our capacity for deep resonance with others.

4. Using “enlightenment” as an excuse for emotional withdrawal

There’s another kind of “enlightenment,” and it usually happens in intimate relationships.

After a painful relationship, some people keep telling themselves: I’ve seen through love now. I’ll never get caught up in that kind of low-level emotional mess again.

And then? Maybe they really do stop feeling sad about that relationship—but from then on, they also stop allowing themselves to be moved by anyone, by anything.

This isn’t “enlightenment”—it’s emotional withdrawal: deliberately cutting off all emotional connection in order to avoid ever feeling that pain again.

On the surface, it looks like clarity and rationality. But in truth, it’s just sealing away every vulnerable part of yourself, believing that this way you’ll never be hurt again.

Yet a person has to be able to feel pain in order to feel joy. Block out the pain, and you may look impenetrable—but you’ve also lost the ability to vibrate at the same frequency as the real world. In the end, you become numb.

Real “Enlightenment” Means Walking Forward Hand in Hand With Your Past

“Enlightenment” in itself is a sign of maturing awareness and mindset. Those moments in life when you come to a deeper understanding of life, of relationships, of yourself—they absolutely deserve to be celebrated.

But real growth isn’t rejecting the past. It’s fully accepting your complete self, making peace with the person you once were, and moving into the future together.

Here’s how to start.

1. Stop putting your past on trial

Whose youth didn’t include a few foolish mistakes? Those embarrassing “dark history” stories are evidence that you truly lived—they’re the path your growth came from.

Next time you catch yourself putting your past self on trial, try asking a different question: “Why did I make that choice back then?”

For example:

• Why didn’t I break up even when I was being hurt? Because at the time, I was afraid of being alone.
• Why did I get scammed by a beggar? Because back then, I deeply believed the world was a good place.

Behind every seemingly “unenlightened” action is the version of you at that time doing the best it could, with the limited awareness and limited options available.

Accept the limitations you once had, and you can extract real experience from what happened—instead of only distilling shame and inferiority. Those experiences that seemed less than beautiful can all become a future “pitfall guide” that holds you up.

2. Turn “before” and “after” into one continuous growth curve

Every step in life has its meaning.

The one who cried late at night over someone who didn’t deserve it—that was you. The one who slowly learned to tell which people are worth your time and which aren’t—that is also you.

Without the naivety of the past, there would be no maturity later.

Narrative identity theory​ suggests that who we are is determined less by what we’ve been through than by how we tell the story of what we’ve been through. Change the way you tell it, and you change the way you see yourself.

Give yourself a little more understanding, respect, and compassion, and the road ahead becomes steadier and longer.

3. Build a mindset of lifelong growth

Real growth was never a one-time epiphany—it’s a spiral that keeps rising.

Today you may feel “enlightened,” and tomorrow you still get hurt by the same kind of thing. That’s normal. Confusion, inner conflict, temporarily losing your sense of meaning—these are all part of the normal state of growing.

The Transtheoretical Model (TTM), also known as the Stages of Change model, tells us that behavioral change is a continuous process made up of multiple stages. It typically moves through precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance, and relapse.

And between the action stage and the maintenance stage, relapse and backsliding happen often. That’s not failure—it’s a necessary part of change and growth.

So don’t force yourself to get there in one leap. Build a mindset of lifelong growth, give yourself more time, and take it one step at a time.

In Closing

I once read a line: “Don’t keep blaming your past self. They were confused too—standing in the fog.”

“Enlightenment” was never meant to be a harsh trial of the self.

No matter how clear-headed, composed, mature, and wise you are today, you got here step by step, walked by the self who was once bewildered, clumsy, and not yet grown.

Don’t only allow yourself to like yourself when you’re performing well, excelling, succeeding.

Practice accepting your whole self, and keep exploring life bravely with everything you’ve been through—that is what “enlightenment” truly means.